


The One With All the Skinks

by casualhibiscus



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Drabble, Ficlet, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-23 22:45:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13797921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casualhibiscus/pseuds/casualhibiscus
Summary: Kabuto has an unauthorized pet, and Orochimaru isn't happy about it.





	The One With All the Skinks

**Author's Note:**

> I've been facing writer's block in regards to my other works, so I thought I'd try my hand at something short and silly in the meantime. This was inspired by a discussion I had in a Naruto group chat, where it was said that "Skinks are just snakes which tried (and failed) to become dragons." ...Sound familiar? ;)
> 
> If you'd like to get an idea for what kind of skink I had in mind, I've included a link at the end.

It was a typical evening in Otogakure: serpents slithered about, captives shrieked in their cages, and various monstrosities were being cultivated in test tubes. After a final inspection of his own projects for the day, Orochimaru headed across the lab to check on Kabuto. They spoke amicably of the progress on his latest experiments, with nothing unusual or out of the ordinary to speak of - if you considered _any_ of their work to be “ordinary,” of course.

All was going well, really, until Orochimaru noticed that Kabuto’s shirt collar was wriggling. Fairly certain that shirts shouldn’t wriggle, he inclined his head in silent questioning, eyes fixed on the purple garment worn by the other man. Kabuto followed his master’s gaze towards the source of confusion, and with no small amount of trepidation - or sheepishness - he proceeded to pull a large, rotund lizard from inside his collar.

“What. Is. That?” Orochimaru hissed through clenched teeth.

“It’s a skink, Sir,” Kabuto replied quickly, holding the creature against his chest protectively. “Skinks are lizards belonging to the family Scincidae and the infraorder-”

 _“I know what a skink is!”_ Orochimaru scoffed angrily. “Don’t patronize me, Kabuto!”

“Apologies, my Lord,” the medic said softly, glancing down at the round, scaly creature in his arms. It stared up at him blankly, offering no support.

“What I _mean_ to say,” Orochimaru continued, “Is _what_ is it doing here? You’re clearly not experimenting on it - unless you _normally_ hide your experiments in your clothes - and now you’ve got the thing cradled in your arms like a damn pet!”

Kabuto instinctively pulled the animal closer to his chest. “I- I suppose it is, Sir…”

Orochimaru’s eyes went wide at this. “You mean to tell me that this- this _abomination_ is your **pet?!”**

“Harold is NOT an abomination!” Kabuto snapped defensively.

 _”’Harold’?!”_ Orochimaru froze, looking like someone had just smacked him. “Oh, Good Lord, you’ve named it...”

Harold continued to stare ahead blankly, blissfully unaware that he was the topic of conversation. His long, blue tongue lolled out of his mouth a little, and one of his eyes began to cross slightly.

If Kabuto was being honest with himself, he’d admit that Harold wasn’t particularly bright.

Orochimaru sighed, his anger having faded into something more closely resembling exasperation. “Do you not recall the policy we have here, Kabuto?”

“I do recall it, my Lord. Section 21A, paragraph 17 of the Otogakure Handbook states that there is a ‘No Pet Policy’ in effect at all times.”

“And?”

“And in the event that an exception is made, snakes will be the only animals authorized for companionship.”

Orochimaru nodded, pleased that at least _someone_ had read the handbook. “That’s correct. And what you have right here-”

“Harold.”

Orochimaru cringed. _“‘Harold’_ is clearly not a snake. He has far too many legs.”

Kabuto pouted. “I understand, Sir,” he said, as he looked up at Orochimaru with the most forlorn puppy-dog eyes he could muster. “I’ll dispose of my friend now.”

Orochimaru blanched in horror, that expression always having an effect on him. “Don’t- don’t look at me like that! It’s just standard procedure, I-”

Kabuto’s eyes began to fill with tears, and his lower lip started to tremble.

“God _dammit!”_ Orochimaru groaned, squeezing his eyes shut. “All right, all right! You can keep… Harold. But I’ll only make this exception once!”

Kabuto smiled gleefully, giving his pet a gentle pat on the head. “Thank you, Orochimaru-sama! I am eternally grateful, and-”

“Oh, shove it!” Orochimaru growled, waving his hand dismissively. “Just see to it that your pet doesn’t distract you from your work! And before you close up,” the Sannin added, as he exited the laboratory, “can you check on Prisoner #24601? He’s been howling all day about bread or something.”

“Of course, my Lord.” Kabuto nodded obediently, and watched as Orochimaru faded from view. When he was sure the man was out of earshot, he leaned into Harold and whispered conspiratorially, “Let’s keep Patricia, Meredith, and the rest of your siblings between us, okay?”

He took Harold’s silence as a “Yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> [This](http://rivista-cdn.reptilesmagazine.com/images/article-images/blue-tongued-breeding-500.jpg?ver=1235574197) image was - more or less - how I pictured Harold.
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading! ♥


End file.
